Healing & Co-parenting After An Affair

If Tiger Woods and Elin Can Do It – So Can You!

Four years after their split-up, Elin Nordegren shared that she and ex-husband, Tiger Woods have a “really good relationship.”

I am not one for “gossip media” – at all. However through my research on this topic of my passion, peaceful divorce and having extraordinary family life no matter what the circumstance, I came across this story and it put a smile on my face.

Many of you likely know about the story of this famous couple. Tiger broke the sacred promise of monogamy in his marriage by engaging, not once, but dozens of times in extramarital affairs.

Affairs are damaging to marriage. Once that promise is broken, trust is broken with it.  broken rings

Although there are many success stories of couples who successfully re-create their marriage vows on a new foundation of trust and continue to be married for many years, there are more stories of those who split up and go their separate ways after.

It is rare for a couple to go through this kind of marital devastation and come out the other side in good relations, whether still together or not. However, it is possible. And Tiger and Elin are an example of this. As Elin explained, they have a good relationship and the focus on their children.

When there are children involved in any divorce, it is critical for the couple to develop a relationship as co-parents, regardless of the personal relationship breakdown. That takes a level of maturity. It takes a willingness to learn and grow in the process so those issues don’t get in the way of providing a healthy upbringing to the children.

Here are some important steps for separated couples after an affair(s):

Forgiveness – the first person who often needs to be forgiven is the one who had the affair to be forgiven by their self. The one who had the affair is usually filled up with guilt and even self-hatred. Forgiveness is “for” “giving”. Only you can give it to yourself. And the same goes for giving  another.

Trust Building – throughout your co-parenting relationship, practice making and keeping promises, small or big, that TRUSTdemonstrate reliability. It is important for the other partner to see a demonstration of some shift in character that will lend to the integrity of the parenting relationship and role-modelling to the child(ren).

What’s In The Past, Stays In The Past – once a couple has moved on, do not keep bringing up past incidents as a way to prove something wrong about the other person. “See? You always…” Or, “There you go again…” are usually communications that kill off the co-parenting (or any) relationship. This keeps people in the past, and unable to be in the present simply attending to the task that is, in reality, at hand in front of them.

While there are many other practices to take on in order to develop your relationship after an affair, I thought I would offer these few today.

If you have any questions about this subject, please don’t hesitate to contact me @ tallie@peacefuldivorcecoach.com

Get a FREE copy of “5 Ways To End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Life” HERE

The 3 Biggest Mistakes People Make When They Divorce

It is hard enough to make the decision to divorce. But once that decision is made, there really are do’s and don’ts. Often each party to the divorce is so entrenched in their emotions and personal perspective about their position that they lose sight of the important bigger picture, and hence make some big mistakes!

Here are the 3 biggest mistakes people make and some suggestions on how to avoid them:

  1. Blaming the other person for the break-up of the relationship. No matter what the other party has done, and I have seen some horrible things, as long as you point the finger at the other person for why you are in the situation you are in, you have no power to truly move on (even while the divorce process is under way) and create a great, new life. The person you give the blame to is the person you have given your power to. Look to see if anywhere in your speaking or your thoughts you have a word of blame toward the other person. (Even the most enlightened among has have just a bit.) Then see where you can own what happened in the breakdown of the relationship, and bring forgiveness to both you and them.
  2. Giving up on communicating with the other person. You’re probably thinking, “We couldn’t communicate when we were together, how do you expect us to do that NOW?!” My answer is, “If you think you never have to communicate with this person again, you are mistaken.” Especially if you have children or other life situations that tie you together, you will need to communicate. Unless you want to pay intermediaries a lot of money to make your decisions and be your mouth piece, or you want to rock your personal health from the stress, make communicating a priority. Even if you’re not tied to this person in future, these skills are important in ANY relationship so making it important to transform and practice this now is a smart investment in yourself.
  3. Being short-sighted when making decisions regarding division-of-assets, family planning, etc. I have seen too many people fight for their right to have what they believe they deserve, such as property, money, custody of the kids, etc. without thinking through the long term impact financially and emotionally. Often the long term cost far outweighs the benefit. For example, legal or other costs eat into the once valuable assets or grown children stop speaking to one or both parents. I’ve also seen the reverse, where a person claims “I don’t need anything, I just want out.” Down the road they are struggling to make financial ends meet or they’ve settled on a family plan that doesn’t positively serve all involved. Think through the long-term implications of each decision. Ideally, do this with a professional who understands these matters legally, financially, emotionally and socially.

 

Tallie Rabin is a Family-Life & Peaceful Divorce Coach in Toronto, Canada. Tallie has walked numerous individuals and couples through their divorce process, and helped them successfully part ways peacefully and establish a family life they are proud of.

Get a free copy of Tallie’s E-report, “5 Ways to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Life” at: http://www.familyforeverlifestyle.com