Are You Playing The Blame Game?

Some interesting facts:

While the divorce rate for first marriages in 2012 was approximately 40%, in the past few years divorce rates are actually going down! (According to the Vanier Institute of the Family). This should mean that it is somewhat safer to get into a long-term relationship, no? J

According to Dr. Terri Orbuch’s recent study, however, one of the primary things holding people back from moving on after a break up or divorce is some form of blame – either blaming their former spouse/partner, or blaming themselves. And, interesting to note, men typically blame themselves, while women more typically blame their former spouse/partner.

As a practitioner myself, who also has ample personal experience, I can attest to the fact that blame is among the top factors that keep people from being able to move on, and to develop a health new relationship.

How can one deal with blame?

According to Dr. Orbuch, it is important to move from blaming yourself or blaming the other person, to blaming “the relationship.” This way it evens out the finger pointing to be between you both, in some way, or to see the unworkable factor being outside of you or the other person, reducing the emotional charge.

Here is an approach that I recommend: to discover the underlying purpose of the relationship. The relationship had a reason for being in your lives – to provide an opportunity for you to learn, grow, heal, etc. When you can discover what that purpose was (and is) you can deal more powerfully and healthily with the ending of the relationship. It is then no longer relevant to point a finger at someone or something, which only has you expend unnecessary negative energy, which harms you in the long run.

I invite you to try on a new perspective, as you see fit.

I also invite you to join me for my upcoming FREE WEBINAR!

 

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In this Free Webinar you will get:
  • New Inspiration for What is Possible in Your Life
  • The Critical Steps To Attract The Love Your Really Want 
  • Clarity & Confidence To Make Decisions With Ease
  • Power to Be True to Yourself, Once & For All

 

I look forward to being with you!

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Are You TRULY Happy?

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I was nursing my 13 month old son the other day. It was one of those really busy days – I’d just finished being interviewed for an up-coming tele-summit, there was a lot to do around the house, my husband had important deadlines to meet and needed my support with some things, and it was only 11am still… you know…THAT kind of day?
As I sat feeding my little guy, I stared into his eyes, he stared back into mine. It was a loving exchange of energy. I suddenly became aware of the amazing fact that here I am, amidst this (busy, full) life, with a new son after having 3 older children. And I reflected on the past where I didn’t think that I’d have any more children; simply given my circumstances at that time. And in that reflective moment with that sudden awareness, I had a profoundly euphoric feeling come through me. And then I had a wonder, “is THIS true happiness?”
How often do we talk about things like “I want to be happy (or happier)” or “I’ll be happy when ‘x’ happens in my life,” or “I’m not happy with how ‘x’ is going in my life,” etc. Happiness is an often spoken-of concept, but what does it really mean? And, how does one actually get happy?
I know there are a lot of books on this topic. And, I’m sure if you are reading this piece right now, you are the kind of person who has likely read at least one of those books, or been to courses or seminars that touch on the idea of creating happiness in your life. I’ve woman-eyes-closed-smilingpersonally LED those seminars! Those books and seminars will often espouse things like, “Happiness doesn’t only come with external things. We can cause it from within ourselves.”
But, as much as I KNOW that, I have to say, I feel like I’m an ongoing student of happiness. There’s always something new to discover about the idea of “being happy” – but REALLY happy.
I am sharing this wonder and thought with you today.
I invite you to join me in being a student of happiness in your own life.
What does that mean? Well, as you go about your regular, normal, busy, etc. day-to-day life, play the game of discovering moments of happiness. It may come with being grateful for something or someone. Or, it may come with appreciating and acknowledging an accomplishment of your own – big or small. And really let yourself connect to the feeling that comes with that gratitude or acknowledgement.
Explore. Wonder. Get present.
See what your access might be.
I’d love to hear from you: are you taking this on? And, what are you discovering?
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Confessions of A Multiple Divorcée (Now Happily Married)

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It’s been a while since I’ve written to you! I’ve missed you!
But I need to tell you the truth about what’s kept me from you…
See, I have a new love in my life.
Yes, it’s true. But, it’s not because of anything you’ve done!
I still love you, too! And, I’m not ending our relationship!
It’s just that this very special person came into my life, stole my heart and we’ve been on, well, a sort of “honeymoon” since.
Actually, it’s been a “Babymoon” 🙂
You guessed it….I’m a Mom, again, for the 4th time!
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We call him D.A. (his initials). He was born August 2nd. And, what can I say? He’s a real charmer! My husband and I are in a new kind of heaven.
To be frank, when I look at my life now and think back to just 5+ years ago, I am truly grateful for the love in my life today.
I want to share something personal with you…
As you may know, I’ve been married, had two beautiful children, and then divorced. Thankfully, we ended amicably. Although there were challenging times that could have led to an ugly legal battle, our better-selves won out and we worked things out peacefully.
Then, I later got engaged to one of my best friends: I thought we could turn that friendship into a romantic life partnership. When it became clear that we were not a match (for many reasons) I’d already become pregnant. We ended the relationship, which was a difficult break up. In time we developed a new relationship as parents, and even later became friends again.
While all this sounds sad but with somewhat happy endings, I was left with a lot of questions about myself and my ability to be in a relationship that lasts; about whether or not I even wanted to be in a relationship ever again!
I was scared. Scared to truly open up and give myself to another human being; to another relationship.
After a lot of transformational and spiritual work, I’d gone through a journey and discovered…
I needed to change.
As wonderful and talented a person as I am 😉 there are things about me that DON’T WORK in relationship!
For example, among other things, I’m an independent woman. From a fairly young age taking care of myself, travelling, living in another part of the world, having jobs to sustain a modest livelihood, went to university, started a global not-for-profit, etc. That’s all well for a strong-willed career-minded woman.
But there was something missing; a kind of fulfillment that I just didn’t have, no matter how good life was with all of my achievements. I really wanted to share my life with a close beloved soul mate. I had this vision of me and “him” lying down on a picnic blanket, facing each other, like two children, in love, looking into each other’s eyes, opening up about any and all of our deepest feelings,  desires and fears, while  feeling the comfort and safety of being with each other; having each other’s backs. But that vision was just that – something I could see but didn’t have a sense of how to actualize it.
One of my discoveries was that, while I CAN take care of myself and don’t NEED anyone to take care of me, I want to be taken care of. This notion was hard to swallow as a Must-be Independent Woman. But when I let go of the “Must-be,” and simply allow myself to be an Independent Woman who is open to receive and be loved and cared for, I was no longer limited. And, when I could be open to receive, I could also give, fully and unconditionally.
It was soon afterward that my sweetheart and I met.
There is so much more I can say about that, but, at the very least, had I not made this discovery, I wouldn’t have been open (both consciously and subconsciously) to my next relationship that would be with my life-long beloved partner.
I am grateful. After a significant amount of time having an underlying sense of doubt about whether it is possible to truly be in a fruitful, passionate, meaningful, fulfilling relationship, I can now say, YES, IT IS POSSIBLE. (not to mention I’ve coached others through similar journeys)
This is my wish for others: to have their own experience of complete fulfillment, no matter what their past experience was. This doesn’t mean there will be no “rocky roads” or that everything is some unrealistic version of “perfect”.  There is constant inner work to do. For me, that “Independent Woman” hasn’t gone anywhere. She is still right here. But when I am not cognizant and mindful, “she” can take over – and she does sometimes! – And life isn’t so pretty in those moments and there is some “clean up” to do.
Whether you’re in a relationship, or want to be in a relationship, I invite you to look at yourself and see what might be in your way of fully giving yourself to your (potential) beloved. Enter a comment below and share what you see – I’m very interested.

How To Keep The Love When You Leave The Marriage

When a marriage or long term committed relationship ends, in order to reconcile what happened, it is common to attempt to identify something that was wrong that gives reason for the breakdown of the relationship – either the other person, the relationship itself, or even oneself was somehow to blame for the failure.
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As we move on from our past relationships, we are likely moving into a future of avoiding making that same mistake again. This leaves us guarded, cautious, or in some ways, easily critical of any prospective new partner. In many cases, this may cause us to hesitate entering another relationship at all for fear of the same failure.
While it is valid to take the view that there was something wrong or at fault for the unworkability of the relationship, it is not the only view. Consider that our relationships are a place to grow, learn and, ultimately, evolve. In this view, each of us has something to gain from each of our relationships and, equally, something to offer, all for the purpose of evolution – both for ourselves and for our partners.
I have had several clients ask, “Is it really possible to have a peaceful divorce when one person wants peace and the other wants to fight?” And my answer is, “Yes, it is possible.” How? In many ways, by taking the view that you are in charge of your own evolution, and you have the capacity to influence another’s evolution in the process.
The first step is to make a commitment to viewing your relationship, including the ending of it, as an integral part of your evolution. Sometimes people say they are committed to learning, but truly they are still looking for ‘who or what is to blame?’ It takes consistent practice in noticing when you are blaming someone or something (including yourself), letting that go, and re-committing to discovering your evolutionary journey.
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The second step is to choose your core values. Values may be patience, compassion, love, honesty, forgiveness, collaboration, peace, etc. These values are your beacon, your higher-guiding light in those difficult moments when conversations get intense, or when you are not even with your ex-partner but battling in your mind with them. Arm yourself with the values that most ignite you and leave you feeling ‘real’ for yourself. Practice acting from your values more and more, and that ability will strengthen.
The third important step is to acknowledge the manifestation of your vision, even in the smallest of accomplishments. It is always easy to see the negativity, failures or disappointments. We often overlook the accomplishments that illuminate the path of continuous evolution ahead. It may be as simple as during a conversation, your ex-partner said something that you would normally react to with anger, and instead you took a deep breath, listened, and responded in a calm and peaceful way. Or, you may recognize your ex-partner for responding calmly when they would normally react with anger. Either way, it is worth acknowledging as part of the evolution of your relationship and yourself.
When you practice these steps – and it does take practice – you will support yourself to leave the relationship and keep the love.
Get a free copy of my e-book, “5 Ways To End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Life” at http://www.familyforeverlifestyle.com
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