Divorce and Parenting: Teaching Valuable Life Lessons to Your Children

Parents Talking To Kid

By Guest Writer: Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

As a divorced parent, what lessons and behaviors are you modeling for your children?

The messages you convey will influence your children into adulthood.Here’s valuable advice on leaving a positive imprint on your innocent children.

Bad things can happen to good people. Divorce is a prime example.  Good people get divorced. Responsible people who are loving parents get caught in the decision to end a loveless or deceitful marriage.

The consequences of that decision can either be life affirming or destroying, depending upon how each parent approaches this transition. Parents who are blinded by blame and anger are not likely to learn much through the experience. They see their former spouse as the total problem in their life and are convinced that getting rid of that problem through divorce will bring ultimate resolution. These parents are often self-righteous about the subject and give little thought to what part they may have played in the dissolution of the marriage.

Parents at this level of awareness are not looking to grow through the divorce process. They are more likely to ultimately find another partner with whom they have similar challenges or battles and once again find themselves caught in the pain of an unhappy relationship.

man-on-laptop-by-a-lakeThere are others, however, for whom divorce can be a threshold into greater self-understanding and reflection. These parents don’t want to repeat the same mistake and want to be fully aware of any part they played in the failure of the marriage. Self-reflective people ask themselves questions and search within – often with the assistance of a professional counselor or coach – to understand what they did or did not do and how it affected the connection with their spouse.

These introspective parents consider how they might have behaved differently in certain circumstances. They question their motives and actions to make sure they came from a place of clarity and good intentions. They replay difficult periods within the marriage to see what they can learn, improve, let go of or accept. They take responsibility for their behaviors and apologize for those that were counter-productive. They also forgive themselves for errors made in the past – and look toward being able to forgive their spouse in the same light.

These parents are honest with their children when discussing the divorce – to the age-appropriate degree that their children can understand.They remind their children that both Mom and Dad still, and always will, love them. And they remember their former spouse will always be a parent to their children and therefore speak about them with respect around the kids.

By applying what they learned from the dissolved marriage to their future relationships,Friends giving advice these mature adults start the momentum to recreate new lives in a better, more fulfilling way. From this perspective, they see their former marriage as not a mistake, but rather a stepping-stone to a brighter future – both for themselves and for their children.  When you choose to learn from your life lessons, they were never experienced in vain. Isn’t this a lesson you want to teach your children?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce?A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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One Family, Two Homes, Many Problems…and Solutions!

Baby on 2 Houses

(Note: whether you’re a separated parent or not, you may find this article useful for yourself, and possibly to pass on to someone you know it could help)

Although it is becoming more and more common for families with separated parents to have their children living between two homes, it doesn’t mean it is necessarily easy for all involved. The child(ren) may have difficulties following different routines, sleep patterns are inconsistent, sometimes their performance in school is affected, etc.

However, the fact that it isn’t necessarily easy for all involved also doesn’t mean that there isn’t a way to live in such a scenario and have it truly work!

I have clients in various stages of separation – from the beginning stages of figuring out an arrangement to already separate and living for some time in two homes. This plus the fact that I too have my children living between two separate homes, gives me a lot of perspective on ways to manage this living arrangement in a healthy way for all.

I thought I would share a particular personal story and the results of the situation.

My daughter (at 6 years old) started to wake up several times during the night, calling “Mommy!” I would go to her, provide comfort till she fell back to sleep, until the next call out, “Mommy!” Finally, she would ask me to stay with her in her bed, which I would do till the morning.

I didn’t realize the impact of this, until my beloved fiancé (now husband) pointed out to me how ‘unworkable’ this is: for me and my sleep-health, for her, and….for him!

We decided to find out if this was happening in her other home, with her father. NOPE!

We set up a time to conference and exchange information on what each of us are doing in our respective homes in terms of routines. We went through the whole thing: morning routine, after-school routine, bed time routine, etc.

It was illuminating!

I was able to try their approaches, where mine seemed not to be working. And, likewise, they were able to try some of ours, where theirs weren’t working.

The result?

Consistency across two houses, leading to greater confidence and sense of safety and security for our daughter and ease in her routines. Not to mention PEACE OF MIND for all adults involved!

But not only was she (and we) sleeping through the night, another important result arose.

For those same few months we were getting regular reports from school that, while academically she is incredibly astute, behaviourally she was being disruptive in class during group time and not cooperating when asked to stop. Never a fun thing for the ego as a parent! Not to mention, we were concerned that this behaviour would overshadow her academic capabilities.

As we worked to maintain this semblance of consistency across the two houses for the benefit of our daughter, I found that I was transforming as a parent. I was actually starting to really practice more of what I and many other parenting practitioners preach: being consistent in my parenting, rules setting and keeping, and following through on consequences. I called it “Being a Firm-Wall while being loving and compassionate”

Interesting – this way of behaving on my part became a natural outcome when my focus was on creating and maintaining an environment that truly works for my daughter’s (and our family’s) success.

And the calls from school?

What calls? We stopped getting them.

So what are the key points you can take away from this story and bring to yours?

  1. Create consistent routines between 2-households. Of course, each parent may have very different lifestyles and work schedules so it’s not about being “exactly the same.” But, where possible, such as similar or same bedtime, and similar routine leading to bedtime, and ways of handling homework, discipline matters, etc.
  2. Keep a collaborative and communicative relationship with your ex-spouse – if not for you, for your children, which ultimately WILL benefit you.
  3. Focus on creating and maintaining an environment for your children that is conducive to their (and your) health and success. Try different approaches when the ones you’re using aren’t working.
  4. Be open to transforming yourself and your ways of acting. Why not? You are a growing and developing human being. Learning through this process keeps it dynamic and even fun for you.
  5. View and treat others as your partners for your children’s health and success. That includes your ex, potentially their new partner/spouse and yours, as well as school(s) teachers/principals, etc.

I wish you the very best with your parenting.

If you would like guidance on this, or any other parenting, separation/divorce, or relationship matter, please schedule a complimentary strategy session.

Don’t see a time in my schedule for you? Email me directly at tallie@familyforeverlifestyle.com

Warmly,

Tallie

Healing & Co-parenting After An Affair

If Tiger Woods and Elin Can Do It – So Can You!

Four years after their split-up, Elin Nordegren shared that she and ex-husband, Tiger Woods have a “really good relationship.”

I am not one for “gossip media” – at all. However through my research on this topic of my passion, peaceful divorce and having extraordinary family life no matter what the circumstance, I came across this story and it put a smile on my face.

Many of you likely know about the story of this famous couple. Tiger broke the sacred promise of monogamy in his marriage by engaging, not once, but dozens of times in extramarital affairs.

Affairs are damaging to marriage. Once that promise is broken, trust is broken with it.  broken rings

Although there are many success stories of couples who successfully re-create their marriage vows on a new foundation of trust and continue to be married for many years, there are more stories of those who split up and go their separate ways after.

It is rare for a couple to go through this kind of marital devastation and come out the other side in good relations, whether still together or not. However, it is possible. And Tiger and Elin are an example of this. As Elin explained, they have a good relationship and the focus on their children.

When there are children involved in any divorce, it is critical for the couple to develop a relationship as co-parents, regardless of the personal relationship breakdown. That takes a level of maturity. It takes a willingness to learn and grow in the process so those issues don’t get in the way of providing a healthy upbringing to the children.

Here are some important steps for separated couples after an affair(s):

Forgiveness – the first person who often needs to be forgiven is the one who had the affair to be forgiven by their self. The one who had the affair is usually filled up with guilt and even self-hatred. Forgiveness is “for” “giving”. Only you can give it to yourself. And the same goes for giving  another.

Trust Building – throughout your co-parenting relationship, practice making and keeping promises, small or big, that TRUSTdemonstrate reliability. It is important for the other partner to see a demonstration of some shift in character that will lend to the integrity of the parenting relationship and role-modelling to the child(ren).

What’s In The Past, Stays In The Past – once a couple has moved on, do not keep bringing up past incidents as a way to prove something wrong about the other person. “See? You always…” Or, “There you go again…” are usually communications that kill off the co-parenting (or any) relationship. This keeps people in the past, and unable to be in the present simply attending to the task that is, in reality, at hand in front of them.

While there are many other practices to take on in order to develop your relationship after an affair, I thought I would offer these few today.

If you have any questions about this subject, please don’t hesitate to contact me @ tallie@peacefuldivorcecoach.com

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