Are You Playing The Blame Game?

Some interesting facts:

While the divorce rate for first marriages in 2012 was approximately 40%, in the past few years divorce rates are actually going down! (According to the Vanier Institute of the Family). This should mean that it is somewhat safer to get into a long-term relationship, no? J

According to Dr. Terri Orbuch’s recent study, however, one of the primary things holding people back from moving on after a break up or divorce is some form of blame – either blaming their former spouse/partner, or blaming themselves. And, interesting to note, men typically blame themselves, while women more typically blame their former spouse/partner.

As a practitioner myself, who also has ample personal experience, I can attest to the fact that blame is among the top factors that keep people from being able to move on, and to develop a health new relationship.

How can one deal with blame?

According to Dr. Orbuch, it is important to move from blaming yourself or blaming the other person, to blaming “the relationship.” This way it evens out the finger pointing to be between you both, in some way, or to see the unworkable factor being outside of you or the other person, reducing the emotional charge.

Here is an approach that I recommend: to discover the underlying purpose of the relationship. The relationship had a reason for being in your lives – to provide an opportunity for you to learn, grow, heal, etc. When you can discover what that purpose was (and is) you can deal more powerfully and healthily with the ending of the relationship. It is then no longer relevant to point a finger at someone or something, which only has you expend unnecessary negative energy, which harms you in the long run.

I invite you to try on a new perspective, as you see fit.

I also invite you to join me for my upcoming FREE WEBINAR!

 

aweber2

In this Free Webinar you will get:
  • New Inspiration for What is Possible in Your Life
  • The Critical Steps To Attract The Love Your Really Want 
  • Clarity & Confidence To Make Decisions With Ease
  • Power to Be True to Yourself, Once & For All

 

I look forward to being with you!

Divorce and Parenting: Teaching Valuable Life Lessons to Your Children

Parents Talking To Kid

By Guest Writer: Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

As a divorced parent, what lessons and behaviors are you modeling for your children?

The messages you convey will influence your children into adulthood.Here’s valuable advice on leaving a positive imprint on your innocent children.

Bad things can happen to good people. Divorce is a prime example.  Good people get divorced. Responsible people who are loving parents get caught in the decision to end a loveless or deceitful marriage.

The consequences of that decision can either be life affirming or destroying, depending upon how each parent approaches this transition. Parents who are blinded by blame and anger are not likely to learn much through the experience. They see their former spouse as the total problem in their life and are convinced that getting rid of that problem through divorce will bring ultimate resolution. These parents are often self-righteous about the subject and give little thought to what part they may have played in the dissolution of the marriage.

Parents at this level of awareness are not looking to grow through the divorce process. They are more likely to ultimately find another partner with whom they have similar challenges or battles and once again find themselves caught in the pain of an unhappy relationship.

man-on-laptop-by-a-lakeThere are others, however, for whom divorce can be a threshold into greater self-understanding and reflection. These parents don’t want to repeat the same mistake and want to be fully aware of any part they played in the failure of the marriage. Self-reflective people ask themselves questions and search within – often with the assistance of a professional counselor or coach – to understand what they did or did not do and how it affected the connection with their spouse.

These introspective parents consider how they might have behaved differently in certain circumstances. They question their motives and actions to make sure they came from a place of clarity and good intentions. They replay difficult periods within the marriage to see what they can learn, improve, let go of or accept. They take responsibility for their behaviors and apologize for those that were counter-productive. They also forgive themselves for errors made in the past – and look toward being able to forgive their spouse in the same light.

These parents are honest with their children when discussing the divorce – to the age-appropriate degree that their children can understand.They remind their children that both Mom and Dad still, and always will, love them. And they remember their former spouse will always be a parent to their children and therefore speak about them with respect around the kids.

By applying what they learned from the dissolved marriage to their future relationships,Friends giving advice these mature adults start the momentum to recreate new lives in a better, more fulfilling way. From this perspective, they see their former marriage as not a mistake, but rather a stepping-stone to a brighter future – both for themselves and for their children.  When you choose to learn from your life lessons, they were never experienced in vain. Isn’t this a lesson you want to teach your children?

*     *    *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce?A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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To Match or Not To Match – Is that the right question?

It is possible for people to be fulfilled, happy and prosperous, and to be connected to a partner, spouse, or kindred spirit with whom they can travel through this life.

The reality is that not all couples are a match for that kind of relationship.

However, it doesn’t mean that relationships that are not a match for that kind of lifelong relationship are necessarily “wrong” relationships. There is more than what meets the eye – in a physical sense. Mostly we make decisions from a limited array of ‘senses’ – sight, touch, smell, sound, taste. But there is a whole universe of senses that go beyond these physical senses.

Call it what you will – ‘the universe,’ ‘the Light,’ ‘God,’ ‘the Holy Spirit,’ etc. There is a force, a power that, when connected with, you and I are abundant in our abilities and acquisitions beyond what we could otherwise accomplish.

Unfortunately we are not always aware and connected to that force.

Fortunately we can always connect to it, at any point. It’s never too late. That force is never going to be gone and unavailable.

When it comes to couples matching, often times people come together with a particular set of needs, whether they’re cognizant of those needs or not, and pick a mate that fills those needs. Part of those needs could include a particular spiritual life lesson and growth, to move on to what is next in a spiritual sense. Once those needs are met, often times the relationship, you could say, is expired.

Commonly, people have already married or committed in common law “till death do us part.” So when there are problems between them they either fight to resolve them with no success, ignore them hoping one day they will just go away or give up and blame something – themselves, the other person or some external source – for the unviability of the relationship, which they say was the cause of the break up.

Unfortunately that kind of thinking doesn’t leave either person responsible for the fact that they picked that person, for whatever reasons they did.

In this type of mentality, people remain stuck in their limited view of themselves and life. The view that is only possible contained inside of the physical five senses we are most familiar with.

What can you do in this situation?

It is important to investigate the underlying purpose that brought the two of you together. For example, you may have a particular life lesson you need to learn with this person. And, until you learn that lesson you will keep having the same situations occur over and over, until you finally learn the lesson.

Once you’ve discovered the underlying purpose of your union, there are two ways you can explore this situation and determine what is next.

It may be that there are no further lessons to learn with this specific partner. It may be that your union has fulfilled its purpose and it is time to part ways, each one continuing separately on their journey with new discoveries and developments.

A second possibility is that the type of relationship you have been in is expired and it is now time for a new type of relationship, with your partner. That would mean “burying” the relationship – give your respective eulogies of appreciation for what the relationship gave you while it was alive, and send it on its way. Then, with a new opening in front of the two of you, create a new type of relationship with a purpose that you are both inspired by; Then, together step inside and live out the day to day creation and fulfillment of that relationship.

Either approach takes courage, confidence and trust. Both are simple. Neither is particularly easy. But, relationships are not about being ‘easy.’ Relationships are about giving you a place to grow and transform as the other person provides a mirror to reflect back on you what you need to see, in order to learn and grow.

I invite you to celebrate your relationship with this perspective in mind…

 

 

 

Confessions of A Multiple Divorcée (Now Happily Married)

many wedding rings
It’s been a while since I’ve written to you! I’ve missed you!
But I need to tell you the truth about what’s kept me from you…
See, I have a new love in my life.
Yes, it’s true. But, it’s not because of anything you’ve done!
I still love you, too! And, I’m not ending our relationship!
It’s just that this very special person came into my life, stole my heart and we’ve been on, well, a sort of “honeymoon” since.
Actually, it’s been a “Babymoon” 🙂
You guessed it….I’m a Mom, again, for the 4th time!
Mom Dad Baby
We call him D.A. (his initials). He was born August 2nd. And, what can I say? He’s a real charmer! My husband and I are in a new kind of heaven.
To be frank, when I look at my life now and think back to just 5+ years ago, I am truly grateful for the love in my life today.
I want to share something personal with you…
As you may know, I’ve been married, had two beautiful children, and then divorced. Thankfully, we ended amicably. Although there were challenging times that could have led to an ugly legal battle, our better-selves won out and we worked things out peacefully.
Then, I later got engaged to one of my best friends: I thought we could turn that friendship into a romantic life partnership. When it became clear that we were not a match (for many reasons) I’d already become pregnant. We ended the relationship, which was a difficult break up. In time we developed a new relationship as parents, and even later became friends again.
While all this sounds sad but with somewhat happy endings, I was left with a lot of questions about myself and my ability to be in a relationship that lasts; about whether or not I even wanted to be in a relationship ever again!
I was scared. Scared to truly open up and give myself to another human being; to another relationship.
After a lot of transformational and spiritual work, I’d gone through a journey and discovered…
I needed to change.
As wonderful and talented a person as I am 😉 there are things about me that DON’T WORK in relationship!
For example, among other things, I’m an independent woman. From a fairly young age taking care of myself, travelling, living in another part of the world, having jobs to sustain a modest livelihood, went to university, started a global not-for-profit, etc. That’s all well for a strong-willed career-minded woman.
But there was something missing; a kind of fulfillment that I just didn’t have, no matter how good life was with all of my achievements. I really wanted to share my life with a close beloved soul mate. I had this vision of me and “him” lying down on a picnic blanket, facing each other, like two children, in love, looking into each other’s eyes, opening up about any and all of our deepest feelings,  desires and fears, while  feeling the comfort and safety of being with each other; having each other’s backs. But that vision was just that – something I could see but didn’t have a sense of how to actualize it.
One of my discoveries was that, while I CAN take care of myself and don’t NEED anyone to take care of me, I want to be taken care of. This notion was hard to swallow as a Must-be Independent Woman. But when I let go of the “Must-be,” and simply allow myself to be an Independent Woman who is open to receive and be loved and cared for, I was no longer limited. And, when I could be open to receive, I could also give, fully and unconditionally.
It was soon afterward that my sweetheart and I met.
There is so much more I can say about that, but, at the very least, had I not made this discovery, I wouldn’t have been open (both consciously and subconsciously) to my next relationship that would be with my life-long beloved partner.
I am grateful. After a significant amount of time having an underlying sense of doubt about whether it is possible to truly be in a fruitful, passionate, meaningful, fulfilling relationship, I can now say, YES, IT IS POSSIBLE. (not to mention I’ve coached others through similar journeys)
This is my wish for others: to have their own experience of complete fulfillment, no matter what their past experience was. This doesn’t mean there will be no “rocky roads” or that everything is some unrealistic version of “perfect”.  There is constant inner work to do. For me, that “Independent Woman” hasn’t gone anywhere. She is still right here. But when I am not cognizant and mindful, “she” can take over – and she does sometimes! – And life isn’t so pretty in those moments and there is some “clean up” to do.
Whether you’re in a relationship, or want to be in a relationship, I invite you to look at yourself and see what might be in your way of fully giving yourself to your (potential) beloved. Enter a comment below and share what you see – I’m very interested.

One Family, Two Homes, Many Problems…and Solutions!

Baby on 2 Houses

(Note: whether you’re a separated parent or not, you may find this article useful for yourself, and possibly to pass on to someone you know it could help)

Although it is becoming more and more common for families with separated parents to have their children living between two homes, it doesn’t mean it is necessarily easy for all involved. The child(ren) may have difficulties following different routines, sleep patterns are inconsistent, sometimes their performance in school is affected, etc.

However, the fact that it isn’t necessarily easy for all involved also doesn’t mean that there isn’t a way to live in such a scenario and have it truly work!

I have clients in various stages of separation – from the beginning stages of figuring out an arrangement to already separate and living for some time in two homes. This plus the fact that I too have my children living between two separate homes, gives me a lot of perspective on ways to manage this living arrangement in a healthy way for all.

I thought I would share a particular personal story and the results of the situation.

My daughter (at 6 years old) started to wake up several times during the night, calling “Mommy!” I would go to her, provide comfort till she fell back to sleep, until the next call out, “Mommy!” Finally, she would ask me to stay with her in her bed, which I would do till the morning.

I didn’t realize the impact of this, until my beloved fiancé (now husband) pointed out to me how ‘unworkable’ this is: for me and my sleep-health, for her, and….for him!

We decided to find out if this was happening in her other home, with her father. NOPE!

We set up a time to conference and exchange information on what each of us are doing in our respective homes in terms of routines. We went through the whole thing: morning routine, after-school routine, bed time routine, etc.

It was illuminating!

I was able to try their approaches, where mine seemed not to be working. And, likewise, they were able to try some of ours, where theirs weren’t working.

The result?

Consistency across two houses, leading to greater confidence and sense of safety and security for our daughter and ease in her routines. Not to mention PEACE OF MIND for all adults involved!

But not only was she (and we) sleeping through the night, another important result arose.

For those same few months we were getting regular reports from school that, while academically she is incredibly astute, behaviourally she was being disruptive in class during group time and not cooperating when asked to stop. Never a fun thing for the ego as a parent! Not to mention, we were concerned that this behaviour would overshadow her academic capabilities.

As we worked to maintain this semblance of consistency across the two houses for the benefit of our daughter, I found that I was transforming as a parent. I was actually starting to really practice more of what I and many other parenting practitioners preach: being consistent in my parenting, rules setting and keeping, and following through on consequences. I called it “Being a Firm-Wall while being loving and compassionate”

Interesting – this way of behaving on my part became a natural outcome when my focus was on creating and maintaining an environment that truly works for my daughter’s (and our family’s) success.

And the calls from school?

What calls? We stopped getting them.

So what are the key points you can take away from this story and bring to yours?

  1. Create consistent routines between 2-households. Of course, each parent may have very different lifestyles and work schedules so it’s not about being “exactly the same.” But, where possible, such as similar or same bedtime, and similar routine leading to bedtime, and ways of handling homework, discipline matters, etc.
  2. Keep a collaborative and communicative relationship with your ex-spouse – if not for you, for your children, which ultimately WILL benefit you.
  3. Focus on creating and maintaining an environment for your children that is conducive to their (and your) health and success. Try different approaches when the ones you’re using aren’t working.
  4. Be open to transforming yourself and your ways of acting. Why not? You are a growing and developing human being. Learning through this process keeps it dynamic and even fun for you.
  5. View and treat others as your partners for your children’s health and success. That includes your ex, potentially their new partner/spouse and yours, as well as school(s) teachers/principals, etc.

I wish you the very best with your parenting.

If you would like guidance on this, or any other parenting, separation/divorce, or relationship matter, please schedule a complimentary strategy session.

Don’t see a time in my schedule for you? Email me directly at tallie@familyforeverlifestyle.com

Warmly,

Tallie

Healing & Co-parenting After An Affair

If Tiger Woods and Elin Can Do It – So Can You!

Four years after their split-up, Elin Nordegren shared that she and ex-husband, Tiger Woods have a “really good relationship.”

I am not one for “gossip media” – at all. However through my research on this topic of my passion, peaceful divorce and having extraordinary family life no matter what the circumstance, I came across this story and it put a smile on my face.

Many of you likely know about the story of this famous couple. Tiger broke the sacred promise of monogamy in his marriage by engaging, not once, but dozens of times in extramarital affairs.

Affairs are damaging to marriage. Once that promise is broken, trust is broken with it.  broken rings

Although there are many success stories of couples who successfully re-create their marriage vows on a new foundation of trust and continue to be married for many years, there are more stories of those who split up and go their separate ways after.

It is rare for a couple to go through this kind of marital devastation and come out the other side in good relations, whether still together or not. However, it is possible. And Tiger and Elin are an example of this. As Elin explained, they have a good relationship and the focus on their children.

When there are children involved in any divorce, it is critical for the couple to develop a relationship as co-parents, regardless of the personal relationship breakdown. That takes a level of maturity. It takes a willingness to learn and grow in the process so those issues don’t get in the way of providing a healthy upbringing to the children.

Here are some important steps for separated couples after an affair(s):

Forgiveness – the first person who often needs to be forgiven is the one who had the affair to be forgiven by their self. The one who had the affair is usually filled up with guilt and even self-hatred. Forgiveness is “for” “giving”. Only you can give it to yourself. And the same goes for giving  another.

Trust Building – throughout your co-parenting relationship, practice making and keeping promises, small or big, that TRUSTdemonstrate reliability. It is important for the other partner to see a demonstration of some shift in character that will lend to the integrity of the parenting relationship and role-modelling to the child(ren).

What’s In The Past, Stays In The Past – once a couple has moved on, do not keep bringing up past incidents as a way to prove something wrong about the other person. “See? You always…” Or, “There you go again…” are usually communications that kill off the co-parenting (or any) relationship. This keeps people in the past, and unable to be in the present simply attending to the task that is, in reality, at hand in front of them.

While there are many other practices to take on in order to develop your relationship after an affair, I thought I would offer these few today.

If you have any questions about this subject, please don’t hesitate to contact me @ tallie@peacefuldivorcecoach.com

Get a FREE copy of “5 Ways To End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Life” HERE

HOW TO LOVE IN ANY GIVEN MOMENT

Earlier this month in my blog, “How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce” I introduced the concept of “Pouring On The Love” so your children feel nurtured, important and secure during and after the separation or divorce process.

A reader wrote in and asked, “How can I pour on the love when my situation is such that I have 4Busy Mom with groceries children between the ages of 5 and 15, who are with me all but 2 weekends per month, I manage a household, a full time job, doctor appointments, etc….How do I make sure they are getting enough attention?”

Busy Dad in kitchen

Seeing as many of us parents can relate to having this type of concern, I thought I would share this with you all.

Pouring on the love is not always easy, but it is simple and is not necessarily what it seems. Mostly we think we need more time: If we had more time we could be more loving. While that perspective seems to make sense, it is not the only possible way. Being loving can happen in a given moment, in the process of doing what you’re doing.

For example:

Scenario: Take 1!

You are busy making dinner after a full day’s work. Maybe on the phone hands-free at the same time. Your child walks in the kitchen and wants your attention – to tell you a funny story or to complain about their sibling’s wrong-doings. In that moment, how you respond speaks. The first reaction may be a thought in your mind, “Argh, I can’t handle this all right now” or some version of that thought or feeling. When you react from there what is likely is an annoyed, frustrated type of reaction (words, body language, tone of voice, etc.), leaving your child with some experience of being a burden or the like. Mom screaming at child - funny

I don’t think there is any parent who couldn’t possibly understand and completely relate to this kind of experience. And, while this is understandable and even justified, the outcome we are left with is less than satisfying, and if the truth were told, we as parents are left feeling pretty horrible, and not how we truly want to be.

Take 2!

Your child comes to you with the same interruption to your dinner-making. Instead of reacting with annoyance and frustration that may initially be there, you choose to be loving there and then.

And…Action!

“Can you hold on a moment?” you say to the person on the phone. You stop what you are doing temporarily. Look at your child in the eyes, and ask, “What is it?” And listen. (Often this takes less time in reality than our mind anticipates the interruption will be)

Then determine how to deal with whatever your child has said. If it was a story share, give them a kiss and say, genuinely “Thank you for telling me this. I’m getting back to making dinner; we’ll be ready to sit down together in about 15 minutes.” Or, if it was a complaint regarding a sibling, see if you can offer a word of advice for them to handle the situation and encourage them to go back in there and deal with it. Dad listening to daughter

How you deal with your child actually speaks, often more than the words themselves. In this scenario your child is more likely to be left with the experience of being important and loved.

And Cut!

Now, you may reflect on this and think, “how can I be this way, really?” or “How can I be this way all the time?”

Hold on. Give yourself a break. You are in the “practice of parenting” AND if you’re in the process of separating or divorcing, you are in the “practice of parenting through separation” now, too. The operative word is “practice.” Allow yourself some grace and space. You will have some successes and you will have some failures, just like anyone who is practicing being good at something that is important to them.

The key is: Stay The Course.

And, I recommend that you don’t “be alone” in your practice. Buddy up with another like-minded parenting adviceparent or friend to support each other.

 

Consider getting some coaching or training from a professional on mastering this craft so you have more wins than failures over time.

Did this help you? Please leave a comment or question.

How To Keep The Love When You Leave The Marriage

When a marriage or long term committed relationship ends, in order to reconcile what happened, it is common to attempt to identify something that was wrong that gives reason for the breakdown of the relationship – either the other person, the relationship itself, or even oneself was somehow to blame for the failure.
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As we move on from our past relationships, we are likely moving into a future of avoiding making that same mistake again. This leaves us guarded, cautious, or in some ways, easily critical of any prospective new partner. In many cases, this may cause us to hesitate entering another relationship at all for fear of the same failure.
While it is valid to take the view that there was something wrong or at fault for the unworkability of the relationship, it is not the only view. Consider that our relationships are a place to grow, learn and, ultimately, evolve. In this view, each of us has something to gain from each of our relationships and, equally, something to offer, all for the purpose of evolution – both for ourselves and for our partners.
I have had several clients ask, “Is it really possible to have a peaceful divorce when one person wants peace and the other wants to fight?” And my answer is, “Yes, it is possible.” How? In many ways, by taking the view that you are in charge of your own evolution, and you have the capacity to influence another’s evolution in the process.
The first step is to make a commitment to viewing your relationship, including the ending of it, as an integral part of your evolution. Sometimes people say they are committed to learning, but truly they are still looking for ‘who or what is to blame?’ It takes consistent practice in noticing when you are blaming someone or something (including yourself), letting that go, and re-committing to discovering your evolutionary journey.
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The second step is to choose your core values. Values may be patience, compassion, love, honesty, forgiveness, collaboration, peace, etc. These values are your beacon, your higher-guiding light in those difficult moments when conversations get intense, or when you are not even with your ex-partner but battling in your mind with them. Arm yourself with the values that most ignite you and leave you feeling ‘real’ for yourself. Practice acting from your values more and more, and that ability will strengthen.
The third important step is to acknowledge the manifestation of your vision, even in the smallest of accomplishments. It is always easy to see the negativity, failures or disappointments. We often overlook the accomplishments that illuminate the path of continuous evolution ahead. It may be as simple as during a conversation, your ex-partner said something that you would normally react to with anger, and instead you took a deep breath, listened, and responded in a calm and peaceful way. Or, you may recognize your ex-partner for responding calmly when they would normally react with anger. Either way, it is worth acknowledging as part of the evolution of your relationship and yourself.
When you practice these steps – and it does take practice – you will support yourself to leave the relationship and keep the love.
Get a free copy of my e-book, “5 Ways To End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Life” at http://www.familyforeverlifestyle.com
Request a Free One-on-One consultation with Tallie:

The 3 Biggest Mistakes People Make When They Divorce

It is hard enough to make the decision to divorce. But once that decision is made, there really are do’s and don’ts. Often each party to the divorce is so entrenched in their emotions and personal perspective about their position that they lose sight of the important bigger picture, and hence make some big mistakes!

Here are the 3 biggest mistakes people make and some suggestions on how to avoid them:

  1. Blaming the other person for the break-up of the relationship. No matter what the other party has done, and I have seen some horrible things, as long as you point the finger at the other person for why you are in the situation you are in, you have no power to truly move on (even while the divorce process is under way) and create a great, new life. The person you give the blame to is the person you have given your power to. Look to see if anywhere in your speaking or your thoughts you have a word of blame toward the other person. (Even the most enlightened among has have just a bit.) Then see where you can own what happened in the breakdown of the relationship, and bring forgiveness to both you and them.
  2. Giving up on communicating with the other person. You’re probably thinking, “We couldn’t communicate when we were together, how do you expect us to do that NOW?!” My answer is, “If you think you never have to communicate with this person again, you are mistaken.” Especially if you have children or other life situations that tie you together, you will need to communicate. Unless you want to pay intermediaries a lot of money to make your decisions and be your mouth piece, or you want to rock your personal health from the stress, make communicating a priority. Even if you’re not tied to this person in future, these skills are important in ANY relationship so making it important to transform and practice this now is a smart investment in yourself.
  3. Being short-sighted when making decisions regarding division-of-assets, family planning, etc. I have seen too many people fight for their right to have what they believe they deserve, such as property, money, custody of the kids, etc. without thinking through the long term impact financially and emotionally. Often the long term cost far outweighs the benefit. For example, legal or other costs eat into the once valuable assets or grown children stop speaking to one or both parents. I’ve also seen the reverse, where a person claims “I don’t need anything, I just want out.” Down the road they are struggling to make financial ends meet or they’ve settled on a family plan that doesn’t positively serve all involved. Think through the long-term implications of each decision. Ideally, do this with a professional who understands these matters legally, financially, emotionally and socially.

 

Tallie Rabin is a Family-Life & Peaceful Divorce Coach in Toronto, Canada. Tallie has walked numerous individuals and couples through their divorce process, and helped them successfully part ways peacefully and establish a family life they are proud of.

Get a free copy of Tallie’s E-report, “5 Ways to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Life” at: http://www.familyforeverlifestyle.com

 

 

Have you counted your blessings today?

The day before yesterday I received a phone call from my step-Mother. “Sweetheart, Dad has gone into the hospital. After the medical test he had yesterday, he developed a fever…I didn’t want to take any chances so I took him to Emergency.”

Immediately I catch my mind racing; thoughts were racing so fast my mind was already in a future that was not even in existence in reality, as I imagine my father suddenly aged well beyond his years and beyond his actual health. I felt scared, worried, and even defensive and accusatory – “who’s fault is this!?” I pull myself back to the present reality as quickly as I catch the thoughts. 

He ended up being admitted as there were further complications to deal with.

This was now a Saturday. On this particular Saturday, although it was my weekend to have my 2 sons with me, my son’s father and I agreed that they’d go over there for his wife’s mother’s 70th birthday party.

Now I’m trying to sort out getting myself over to the hospital to be with my Father, as I had my 4 and a half year old daughter with me. It doesn’t seem appropriate to take her with me to the hospital when I could end up being there several hours.

What could I do?

As a single parent these types of organizational dilemmas are fairly common. For those who can relate, you know that many times plans get foregone in order to heroically manage being the one to take care of the child(ren). And, of course, asking for help seems like the logical thing to do, but, again, for those who can relate, often it seems like such a burden to ask….yet again.

There I was thinking this through, there are several places she could easily go, and then “light bulb”…..I thought to myself, “the place Sarah would most rather be is with her brothers….who are going to their Dad and step-Mum’s….”

I picked up the phone. I got my boys’ step-Mum on the line. “Hey, Tal, how’s it going?” I explain, “Actually, Dad’s been admitted to the hospital….(I explain the situation)… I want to ask a favour, and it is completely ok to say ‘no’ as I know it’s your Mother’s 70th birthday party at your house….” Before I could even finish my sentence, “Tal, no problem. Sarah can come here. Thomas (their 3 year old) would be so happy to have her over.”

My eyes welled up with tears and I had a lump in my throat. I was moved at how gracious and caring she was. The truth is, we have this type of relationship. But, I realized in that moment, I really don’t take it for granted. I was moved by the openness and the love. This is family.

I count my blessings today for the life I have. And, even more, I count my blessings for the life I have created. The Family-Life I have is not one that would just have emerged this way automatically. This is one that, through difficult transitions, I and my family members as a team, have intentionally created. In moments like these, I am eternally grateful.

I also count our blessings that my Father is doing well. 

If you have blessings to count today, please…do so. If you have loved ones or special people in your life to acknowledge and appreciate today…..please do so.

Please drop a line below with your comments and even your blessings.