Creating a peaceful divorce

Have you counted your blessings today?

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The day before yesterday I received a phone call from my step-Mother. “Sweetheart, Dad has gone into the hospital. After the medical test he had yesterday, he developed a fever…I didn’t want to take any chances so I took him to Emergency.”

Immediately I catch my mind racing; thoughts were racing so fast my mind was already in a future that was not even in existence in reality, as I imagine my father suddenly aged well beyond his years and beyond his actual health. I felt scared, worried, and even defensive and accusatory – “who’s fault is this!?” I pull myself back to the present reality as quickly as I catch the thoughts. 

He ended up being admitted as there were further complications to deal with.

This was now a Saturday. On this particular Saturday, although it was my weekend to have my 2 sons with me, my son’s father and I agreed that they’d go over there for his wife’s mother’s 70th birthday party.

Now I’m trying to sort out getting myself over to the hospital to be with my Father, as I had my 4 and a half year old daughter with me. It doesn’t seem appropriate to take her with me to the hospital when I could end up being there several hours.

What could I do?

As a single parent these types of organizational dilemmas are fairly common. For those who can relate, you know that many times plans get foregone in order to heroically manage being the one to take care of the child(ren). And, of course, asking for help seems like the logical thing to do, but, again, for those who can relate, often it seems like such a burden to ask….yet again.

There I was thinking this through, there are several places she could easily go, and then “light bulb”…..I thought to myself, “the place Sarah would most rather be is with her brothers….who are going to their Dad and step-Mum’s….”

I picked up the phone. I got my boys’ step-Mum on the line. “Hey, Tal, how’s it going?” I explain, “Actually, Dad’s been admitted to the hospital….(I explain the situation)… I want to ask a favour, and it is completely ok to say ‘no’ as I know it’s your Mother’s 70th birthday party at your house….” Before I could even finish my sentence, “Tal, no problem. Sarah can come here. Thomas (their 3 year old) would be so happy to have her over.”

My eyes welled up with tears and I had a lump in my throat. I was moved at how gracious and caring she was. The truth is, we have this type of relationship. But, I realized in that moment, I really don’t take it for granted. I was moved by the openness and the love. This is family.

I count my blessings today for the life I have. And, even more, I count my blessings for the life I have created. The Family-Life I have is not one that would just have emerged this way automatically. This is one that, through difficult transitions, I and my family members as a team, have intentionally created. In moments like these, I am eternally grateful.

I also count our blessings that my Father is doing well. 

If you have blessings to count today, please…do so. If you have loved ones or special people in your life to acknowledge and appreciate today…..please do so.

Please drop a line below with your comments and even your blessings.

 

 

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Not crazy…after all these years!

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10 years after creating a peaceful divorce, and maintaining a “Family Forever Lifestyle” I often take my accomplishments for granted!

This morning my first husband and I met with our son and our son’s academic coach. We met to discuss our son’s progress and create a plan for the next month of his work.

The whole thing was like a “no brainer.” I called him up and said, “….We need to meet and support Will’s progress…the coach can meet us at 8:30 in the morning” My ex said, “Sure, I’ll be there” Simple.

He and I operate as partners with a common goal: our children’s success and fulfillment. There were points in the meeting where he “took over” and I stepped aside and watched, supported, and listened. And, likewise, there were times in the meeting where I led and he listened and supported. The end result? Our son is supported and empowered! And….so are his parents!

It’s amazing to think that 10 years ago I could not have imagined this was what my family-life would look like. At that time, during our marital breakdown I spent days, weeks and months wondering and questioning “can I make this work?” “How do I get him to want to make this work?” “What have I done wrong? And how can I fix it?” and I had thoughts of “I have to make this work” “This can’t fail.” I was scared to answer these questions for I didn’t know what path the answers might lead me on.

Those were not easy times. But I not only got through that time, I even transformed myself in the process. I discovered a way to get my own sense of clarity and peace to be able to make the right choice, for me and my family. And, while separating was still sad and, at times, really difficult, I was able to do it with love and peace.

The process I developed is something I am now teach other people, in a 4-step approach. I developed this process because I see so many people suffer with these same types of questions. And, because it seems so difficult to answer these questions, so many people stagnate and take no action.

If you are struggling with similar types of marital or relationship questions, let’s talk.

I am offering a 4 – part Tele-class starting Aug 15 at 8PM Eastern Time. http://www.tallie.tv/sales

Or, you may want faster results, end the suffering quickly and begin to breath deep and feel at peace now. Then you might explore personal coaching with me on this topic – email me directly at tr@tallie.tv

Like always, I appreciate you taking the time to read and I trust you got value. Leave a question or comment below.

 

 

A Man’s Experience With Divorce: A Little Compassion Goes A Long Way

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It is Saturday morning…the Saturday morning that David plans to tell his wife he wants a divorce.  David has been thinking about divorce for at least six months, but has been afraid to approach the subject.  man-sitting-on-his-bed-while-his-girlfriend-working-on-the-laptopStill apprehensive, he decides get up early, make a nice breakfast and set the stage for a civil conversation with his wife before the children wake. His wife rolls out of bed around 7:00 and greets him with a good morning kiss on the cheek as she grabs a cup of coffee.  Their eyes lock and in that moment, she sees there is something wrong. His eyes look puffy and bloodshot, his forehead has those wrinkles he gets when he is worried about something, and his lips are pierced like they are when he has something important to say.  Rather then sit in silence and wonder she says, “What’s up hunny?” He has already decided that the easiest way to tell her is to just ‘spit it out’. So, he says, “Jane, I would like to sit together over breakfast and talk about our relationship. I have decided that I want a divorce.”

 

Talking about divorce is an emotionally charged human experience that brings individual values and beliefs to the surface quickly. These may be grounded in a variety of things like personal experience, observations of others, spiritual beliefs, or feelings of fear, uncertainty, and self-doubt.  Many have a mental picture of how divorce looks, and often it is different for men than women. Most common is the picture of a man transitioning through divorce largely untouched, and the woman struggling to support herself and her children. For many men this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

 

David, like many men is:

 

Experiencing a range of emotions: He feels guilty for breaking off the marriage.  He already misses his wife and the way they used to love each other. He is grieving the loss of his friends, community, house, and daily routines.  He is afraid that he will not get to see his kids as much.  He doesn’t know where he is going to live, or how he is going to support himself while paying alimony and child support.

 

An active dad:  David spends a lot of time with his kids.  He wants to be involved in their lives and worries that he will have fewer and fewer opportunities.  He is even afraid of being replaced by another man.  He knows that his children will miss the stories he reads every night and the Saturday afternoon bike rides.

 

Worried about his future: He and his wife spent the last 10 years building a life together. He worries they will have nothing left by the time the divorce is final. He plans to let his wife stay in the house with the kids. But, he has no idea where he is going to go.  The future in front of him is one of completely starting over.

 

Isolated: He has nobody to talk to about the divorce. He feels like it is his job to stand strong, work hard, and make sure that his ex-wife and children are provided for.  Many of his friends are “their” friends and he knows that some will stop talking to him.  He may not even know that he is going to need a new support system and he struggles to ask for help.

 

Are you a man or a woman experiencing divorce? Is somebody close to you going through this transition? Do you work with people who are trying to move on and rebuild their lives?  Remember that every divorce is unique depending on the circumstances, resources, and personalities of the people involved.  In today’s world, it is too complex to make generalizations about men and women. Regardless of gender, people can begin rebuilding their life by having compassion for themselves.

 

The Dalai Lama said, “If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.”

 

When you have compassion for yourself, you can have an amicable relationship with your ex-partner and a fulfilling connection with your children. How do you develop compassion for yourself?

 

  • Allow yourself to have ALL your feelings, ‘good’ and ‘bad’, without judging yourself for them.  What you resist often persists.  As strange as it sounds, allowing yourself to be angry is often the first step toward forgiveness.

 

  • Find healthy outlets.  You are going to have to replace old routines with new ones. If you find yourself doing something unhealthy when you are sad, worried, or angry, replace it with an activity you like or the company of a close friend.

 

  • Treat yourself to something that makes you feel good. Maybe you like to read the paper in bed, take your dog to the dog park, or go to the movies.

 

  • Give yourself a break! You may be ‘off your game’. Adjust your expectations of yourself and then communicate those adjustments to those who might be impacted.  They will understand.

 

I would enjoy hearing your thoughts!  What are your experiences with divorce or separation? What do you do to have compassion for yourself?

 

Shelly D. Mahon, Ph.D. Candidate from the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Program Director for Apart, Not Broken: Learn, Connect, & Create! You can sign up to take advantage of this free, online, multi-media program to help fathers adjust and parent after divorce or separation at www.DivorcedDadInstitute.com.   Shelly also has 20 years experience working with youth and families. Follow her blog at shellydmahon.wordpress.com