Blending families

To Match or Not To Match – Is that the right question?

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It is possible for people to be fulfilled, happy and prosperous, and to be connected to a partner, spouse, or kindred spirit with whom they can travel through this life.

The reality is that not all couples are a match for that kind of relationship.

However, it doesn’t mean that relationships that are not a match for that kind of lifelong relationship are necessarily “wrong” relationships. There is more than what meets the eye – in a physical sense. Mostly we make decisions from a limited array of ‘senses’ – sight, touch, smell, sound, taste. But there is a whole universe of senses that go beyond these physical senses.

Call it what you will – ‘the universe,’ ‘the Light,’ ‘God,’ ‘the Holy Spirit,’ etc. There is a force, a power that, when connected with, you and I are abundant in our abilities and acquisitions beyond what we could otherwise accomplish.

Unfortunately we are not always aware and connected to that force.

Fortunately we can always connect to it, at any point. It’s never too late. That force is never going to be gone and unavailable.

When it comes to couples matching, often times people come together with a particular set of needs, whether they’re cognizant of those needs or not, and pick a mate that fills those needs. Part of those needs could include a particular spiritual life lesson and growth, to move on to what is next in a spiritual sense. Once those needs are met, often times the relationship, you could say, is expired.

Commonly, people have already married or committed in common law “till death do us part.” So when there are problems between them they either fight to resolve them with no success, ignore them hoping one day they will just go away or give up and blame something – themselves, the other person or some external source – for the unviability of the relationship, which they say was the cause of the break up.

Unfortunately that kind of thinking doesn’t leave either person responsible for the fact that they picked that person, for whatever reasons they did.

In this type of mentality, people remain stuck in their limited view of themselves and life. The view that is only possible contained inside of the physical five senses we are most familiar with.

What can you do in this situation?

It is important to investigate the underlying purpose that brought the two of you together. For example, you may have a particular life lesson you need to learn with this person. And, until you learn that lesson you will keep having the same situations occur over and over, until you finally learn the lesson.

Once you’ve discovered the underlying purpose of your union, there are two ways you can explore this situation and determine what is next.

It may be that there are no further lessons to learn with this specific partner. It may be that your union has fulfilled its purpose and it is time to part ways, each one continuing separately on their journey with new discoveries and developments.

A second possibility is that the type of relationship you have been in is expired and it is now time for a new type of relationship, with your partner. That would mean “burying” the relationship – give your respective eulogies of appreciation for what the relationship gave you while it was alive, and send it on its way. Then, with a new opening in front of the two of you, create a new type of relationship with a purpose that you are both inspired by; Then, together step inside and live out the day to day creation and fulfillment of that relationship.

Either approach takes courage, confidence and trust. Both are simple. Neither is particularly easy. But, relationships are not about being ‘easy.’ Relationships are about giving you a place to grow and transform as the other person provides a mirror to reflect back on you what you need to see, in order to learn and grow.

I invite you to celebrate your relationship with this perspective in mind…

 

 

 

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One Family, Two Homes, Many Problems…and Solutions!

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Baby on 2 Houses

(Note: whether you’re a separated parent or not, you may find this article useful for yourself, and possibly to pass on to someone you know it could help)

Although it is becoming more and more common for families with separated parents to have their children living between two homes, it doesn’t mean it is necessarily easy for all involved. The child(ren) may have difficulties following different routines, sleep patterns are inconsistent, sometimes their performance in school is affected, etc.

However, the fact that it isn’t necessarily easy for all involved also doesn’t mean that there isn’t a way to live in such a scenario and have it truly work!

I have clients in various stages of separation – from the beginning stages of figuring out an arrangement to already separate and living for some time in two homes. This plus the fact that I too have my children living between two separate homes, gives me a lot of perspective on ways to manage this living arrangement in a healthy way for all.

I thought I would share a particular personal story and the results of the situation.

My daughter (at 6 years old) started to wake up several times during the night, calling “Mommy!” I would go to her, provide comfort till she fell back to sleep, until the next call out, “Mommy!” Finally, she would ask me to stay with her in her bed, which I would do till the morning.

I didn’t realize the impact of this, until my beloved fiancé (now husband) pointed out to me how ‘unworkable’ this is: for me and my sleep-health, for her, and….for him!

We decided to find out if this was happening in her other home, with her father. NOPE!

We set up a time to conference and exchange information on what each of us are doing in our respective homes in terms of routines. We went through the whole thing: morning routine, after-school routine, bed time routine, etc.

It was illuminating!

I was able to try their approaches, where mine seemed not to be working. And, likewise, they were able to try some of ours, where theirs weren’t working.

The result?

Consistency across two houses, leading to greater confidence and sense of safety and security for our daughter and ease in her routines. Not to mention PEACE OF MIND for all adults involved!

But not only was she (and we) sleeping through the night, another important result arose.

For those same few months we were getting regular reports from school that, while academically she is incredibly astute, behaviourally she was being disruptive in class during group time and not cooperating when asked to stop. Never a fun thing for the ego as a parent! Not to mention, we were concerned that this behaviour would overshadow her academic capabilities.

As we worked to maintain this semblance of consistency across the two houses for the benefit of our daughter, I found that I was transforming as a parent. I was actually starting to really practice more of what I and many other parenting practitioners preach: being consistent in my parenting, rules setting and keeping, and following through on consequences. I called it “Being a Firm-Wall while being loving and compassionate”

Interesting – this way of behaving on my part became a natural outcome when my focus was on creating and maintaining an environment that truly works for my daughter’s (and our family’s) success.

And the calls from school?

What calls? We stopped getting them.

So what are the key points you can take away from this story and bring to yours?

  1. Create consistent routines between 2-households. Of course, each parent may have very different lifestyles and work schedules so it’s not about being “exactly the same.” But, where possible, such as similar or same bedtime, and similar routine leading to bedtime, and ways of handling homework, discipline matters, etc.
  2. Keep a collaborative and communicative relationship with your ex-spouse – if not for you, for your children, which ultimately WILL benefit you.
  3. Focus on creating and maintaining an environment for your children that is conducive to their (and your) health and success. Try different approaches when the ones you’re using aren’t working.
  4. Be open to transforming yourself and your ways of acting. Why not? You are a growing and developing human being. Learning through this process keeps it dynamic and even fun for you.
  5. View and treat others as your partners for your children’s health and success. That includes your ex, potentially their new partner/spouse and yours, as well as school(s) teachers/principals, etc.

I wish you the very best with your parenting.

If you would like guidance on this, or any other parenting, separation/divorce, or relationship matter, please schedule a complimentary strategy session.

Don’t see a time in my schedule for you? Email me directly at tallie@familyforeverlifestyle.com

Warmly,

Tallie

Have you counted your blessings today?

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The day before yesterday I received a phone call from my step-Mother. “Sweetheart, Dad has gone into the hospital. After the medical test he had yesterday, he developed a fever…I didn’t want to take any chances so I took him to Emergency.”

Immediately I catch my mind racing; thoughts were racing so fast my mind was already in a future that was not even in existence in reality, as I imagine my father suddenly aged well beyond his years and beyond his actual health. I felt scared, worried, and even defensive and accusatory – “who’s fault is this!?” I pull myself back to the present reality as quickly as I catch the thoughts. 

He ended up being admitted as there were further complications to deal with.

This was now a Saturday. On this particular Saturday, although it was my weekend to have my 2 sons with me, my son’s father and I agreed that they’d go over there for his wife’s mother’s 70th birthday party.

Now I’m trying to sort out getting myself over to the hospital to be with my Father, as I had my 4 and a half year old daughter with me. It doesn’t seem appropriate to take her with me to the hospital when I could end up being there several hours.

What could I do?

As a single parent these types of organizational dilemmas are fairly common. For those who can relate, you know that many times plans get foregone in order to heroically manage being the one to take care of the child(ren). And, of course, asking for help seems like the logical thing to do, but, again, for those who can relate, often it seems like such a burden to ask….yet again.

There I was thinking this through, there are several places she could easily go, and then “light bulb”…..I thought to myself, “the place Sarah would most rather be is with her brothers….who are going to their Dad and step-Mum’s….”

I picked up the phone. I got my boys’ step-Mum on the line. “Hey, Tal, how’s it going?” I explain, “Actually, Dad’s been admitted to the hospital….(I explain the situation)… I want to ask a favour, and it is completely ok to say ‘no’ as I know it’s your Mother’s 70th birthday party at your house….” Before I could even finish my sentence, “Tal, no problem. Sarah can come here. Thomas (their 3 year old) would be so happy to have her over.”

My eyes welled up with tears and I had a lump in my throat. I was moved at how gracious and caring she was. The truth is, we have this type of relationship. But, I realized in that moment, I really don’t take it for granted. I was moved by the openness and the love. This is family.

I count my blessings today for the life I have. And, even more, I count my blessings for the life I have created. The Family-Life I have is not one that would just have emerged this way automatically. This is one that, through difficult transitions, I and my family members as a team, have intentionally created. In moments like these, I am eternally grateful.

I also count our blessings that my Father is doing well. 

If you have blessings to count today, please…do so. If you have loved ones or special people in your life to acknowledge and appreciate today…..please do so.

Please drop a line below with your comments and even your blessings.

 

 

Not crazy…after all these years!

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10 years after creating a peaceful divorce, and maintaining a “Family Forever Lifestyle” I often take my accomplishments for granted!

This morning my first husband and I met with our son and our son’s academic coach. We met to discuss our son’s progress and create a plan for the next month of his work.

The whole thing was like a “no brainer.” I called him up and said, “….We need to meet and support Will’s progress…the coach can meet us at 8:30 in the morning” My ex said, “Sure, I’ll be there” Simple.

He and I operate as partners with a common goal: our children’s success and fulfillment. There were points in the meeting where he “took over” and I stepped aside and watched, supported, and listened. And, likewise, there were times in the meeting where I led and he listened and supported. The end result? Our son is supported and empowered! And….so are his parents!

It’s amazing to think that 10 years ago I could not have imagined this was what my family-life would look like. At that time, during our marital breakdown I spent days, weeks and months wondering and questioning “can I make this work?” “How do I get him to want to make this work?” “What have I done wrong? And how can I fix it?” and I had thoughts of “I have to make this work” “This can’t fail.” I was scared to answer these questions for I didn’t know what path the answers might lead me on.

Those were not easy times. But I not only got through that time, I even transformed myself in the process. I discovered a way to get my own sense of clarity and peace to be able to make the right choice, for me and my family. And, while separating was still sad and, at times, really difficult, I was able to do it with love and peace.

The process I developed is something I am now teach other people, in a 4-step approach. I developed this process because I see so many people suffer with these same types of questions. And, because it seems so difficult to answer these questions, so many people stagnate and take no action.

If you are struggling with similar types of marital or relationship questions, let’s talk.

I am offering a 4 – part Tele-class starting Aug 15 at 8PM Eastern Time. http://www.tallie.tv/sales

Or, you may want faster results, end the suffering quickly and begin to breath deep and feel at peace now. Then you might explore personal coaching with me on this topic – email me directly at tr@tallie.tv

Like always, I appreciate you taking the time to read and I trust you got value. Leave a question or comment below.

 

 

LETTING GO OF THE EGO, HANGING ON TO THE FAMILY …THE WHOLE FAMILY

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I will never forget the day my eldest son was sharing a story with me about his past weekend at his Dad’s. Within the storytelling of all the activities they did, he said, “…then Mum and Dad….” at which point I stopped listening to him.  His voice became like a muffled murmur in the background, and all I could hear was myself in my head saying, “What?! Did I hear correctly? Who is he calling ‘Mum’?” So, I asked him to repeat himself.

He said, “Oh, right, I call (step-Mom) Mum. But you, you’re Mom (emphasis on the “aw” of the “o”) Once again, I stopped listening to what he was saying and I could only hear my own internal voice trying to reconcile this new piece of information. “How am I about this?….Is this ok? Do I like this? I don’t know…. Am I losing my place as THE mother in this family?…” and on it went for what seemed like an hour but in reality was maybe about 2 or 3 seconds.

One of the principles in my coaching practice is “We are the Masters of our own emotions.” While any average day for many people can include emotion-charging situations, for parents when it comes to dealing with situations related to our own children and their lives – whether it’s their safety, well-being, health or how they are navigating through complex social matters – parents’ emotions can get ignited very easily, for the worse.

Why? Well, one reason is because we are reacting to what we perceive is a threat.

A threat to what? First, a perceived threat to our identity – our own belief about who we think we are. Second, we may react to a perceived threat to our belief about our ability to perform – questioning how well we are doing in the particular situation (in this case “the role of parent”) or in life in general. And, third, we may react to a perceived threat to what we believe to be true or right – we have pictures of what we think life should look like, in our ideal mind. When something is happening that doesn’t seem to match that picture in our mind, it could cause us to react with a concern that we will not be able to protect or preserve that picture in the future.

So, back to my story, there I was faced with a moment of truth for myself. Was I going to have this situation of my son’s step-mother being granted the name “Mum” be superior to my own sense of confidence in myself? Or was I going to let go of the perception of the threat, and ground myself in knowing who I am for myself and for my kids? Thankfully I chose to align my actions in that moment with my own principles! I am all the freer for it, I feel proud and I get to give my children my whole self as their Mother – so they win!

That was over 3 years ago. Today, my boys enjoy being big brothers to their half-brother who is now 3 years old. I have a 4 and half year old daughter and the two of them get along like a ‘house on fire!’ And we spend family occasions together, like holidays or Sunday morning breakfasts while we discuss family matters.

I am interested to hear your responses – do you have stories of letting go of your ego in favour of the greater good of the whole family? Are you challenged in letting go of your ego in a situation at hand? Please respond below.

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Tallie Rabin-Claassen, M.Ed. is a coach with Peaceful Divorce & Family Life Coaching, committed to families working no matter what their circumstance. She works with individuals and couples as well as groups. Visit her Coaching site at http://www.peacefuldivorcecoach.com