If anyone thinks they have the one right answer to this question, I would be hesitant to take their advice.
Ending a relationship or a marriage is a tough decision to make and is often very difficult and painful to get over.
In my profession I have worked with many people in this situation, plus I have my own experience to pull from regarding the ending and healing from a past relationship or marriage.
What I’ve also come to discover is how the relationship journey can and does continue, post-breakup or divorce. It is possible to move on, and it is possible to meet the person you can create a life with and be happy.
I am often asked: “How do I know if it’s time to get into a new relationship?” or “I am afraid to get into a new relationship that might go the way my last one did. How do I prevent that?”
Well, here are some important things to consider when answering these questions for yourself:
- Are you blaming your last partner for any aspect of why the relationship didn’t work? If your answer is even a slight “yes” this is a sign you have some things to still learn and grow from regarding your last relationship. That includes, how and why you picked that person in the first place? Was it to fulfill some need or void you didn’t think you have in yourself to fulfill? Or, was it because you simply didn’t want to be alone? Sometimes the answers to these questions are far beneath the surface and it isn’t easy to see right away. But when you start to ‘own’ the relationship, for all that worked and all that didn’t work, then you can start to move on independent from that relationship.
- Are you “OK” with yourself? It is important to be able to be with yourself – the truth is you’re the one with who you’re in the longest lasting relationship. Often when one avoids being with themselves, it’s a sign that you have some internal relationship building to do. What does that mean? It could mean exploring and understanding what is really important to you, what are your core values, and how are you or can you express those values through what you do, either for work/career, or hobbies, or through social interactions, etc. Often times in relationships people either don’t have that sense of them self and they use the relationship to fill that void, or they had that sense of themselves and have either forgotten or actively given it up in order to accommodate the relationship. This can lead to resentment and suffering. Either way, being OK with who you are and what your values are is an important place to be when you get into a new relationship.
- Do you know what you want? The truth is most people don’t know what they actually want. At best, they know what they don’t want. I have found that people don’t spend the time to explore, investigate and speculate on what they really want for their life. This can leave people reacting to circumstances and falling into situations, like relationships, rather than creating a life that is an expression of what they actually want. Give yourself the gift of that exploration. You deserve it and so does your future partner, who will also benefit from you having done that work. They don’t want to be your “next victim” of being your “wrong pick,” when for them you might be their “right pick.” This exploration doesn’t have to take too long , which can make it harder to put yourself out there, but you do want to afford yourself whatever time it takes.
If you or someone you know is facing these types of questions and you want a place to do some exploring, please contact me for a COMPLIMENTARY SESSION to begin that journey.
Also, KEEP YOUR EYE OUT for an upcoming invitation from me to a FREE WEBINAR COMING SOON hosted by a good friend and colleague of mine on the topic of How To Date To Marry and not waste your time on anything else.