It is hard enough to make the decision to divorce. But once that decision is made, there really are do’s and don’ts. Often each party to the divorce is so entrenched in their emotions and personal perspective about their position that they lose sight of the important bigger picture, and hence make some big mistakes!
Here are the 3 biggest mistakes people make and some suggestions on how to avoid them:
- Blaming the other person for the break-up of the relationship. No matter what the other party has done, and I have seen some horrible things, as long as you point the finger at the other person for why you are in the situation you are in, you have no power to truly move on (even while the divorce process is under way) and create a great, new life. The person you give the blame to is the person you have given your power to. Look to see if anywhere in your speaking or your thoughts you have a word of blame toward the other person. (Even the most enlightened among has have just a bit.) Then see where you can own what happened in the breakdown of the relationship, and bring forgiveness to both you and them.
- Giving up on communicating with the other person. You’re probably thinking, “We couldn’t communicate when we were together, how do you expect us to do that NOW?!” My answer is, “If you think you never have to communicate with this person again, you are mistaken.” Especially if you have children or other life situations that tie you together, you will need to communicate. Unless you want to pay intermediaries a lot of money to make your decisions and be your mouth piece, or you want to rock your personal health from the stress, make communicating a priority. Even if you’re not tied to this person in future, these skills are important in ANY relationship so making it important to transform and practice this now is a smart investment in yourself.
- Being short-sighted when making decisions regarding division-of-assets, family planning, etc. I have seen too many people fight for their right to have what they believe they deserve, such as property, money, custody of the kids, etc. without thinking through the long term impact financially and emotionally. Often the long term cost far outweighs the benefit. For example, legal or other costs eat into the once valuable assets or grown children stop speaking to one or both parents. I’ve also seen the reverse, where a person claims “I don’t need anything, I just want out.” Down the road they are struggling to make financial ends meet or they’ve settled on a family plan that doesn’t positively serve all involved. Think through the long-term implications of each decision. Ideally, do this with a professional who understands these matters legally, financially, emotionally and socially.
Tallie Rabin is a Family-Life & Peaceful Divorce Coach in Toronto, Canada. Tallie has walked numerous individuals and couples through their divorce process, and helped them successfully part ways peacefully and establish a family life they are proud of.
Get a free copy of Tallie’s E-report, “5 Ways to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Life” at: http://www.familyforeverlifestyle.com